Oh grasses of sleep, bitterly sweet grasses of oblivion...

Find myself awake, having tossed aside efforts at sleep since waking at 4:30. Made myself a cheese and pickle sandwich, an old favorite that harkens back to junior high packed lunches and reminds me of the Jenny Joseph poem that has unfortunately spawned an entire sub-culture of tacky red and purple hat societies.

I fear what will become of me should old age grasp me in its tethers. Frailty, loneliness, and helpless dependence upon others have never been appealing, not now and least of all in the potential twilight of my life. I see how the elderly are regarded, neglected, and scorned... what chance have we - the eager young generations stomping in our stalls - of changing anything by the time we hit the social security years?

The ripple effect, I remind myself... small acts of kindness and the ability to gradually cause hope and change.

I disappoint myself with my lack of service these past few months. There is so much to be done, so much I could do. Even if in tiny increments.

I have never liked birthdays. Mine quickly approaches and perhaps is the reason for this uprising wave of anxiety. It seems as though birthdays are inevitably a disappointment... the one day dedicated supposedly to the glorification of nothing less than one's own existence is bound to fall short of expectation. I find I prefer smaller celebrations, intimate circles to surround and hold each other dearly in a shared and cherished faith in one another, a love made sacred by virtue of mistakes and forgivenesses and the acknowledgment of truth and human ineptitude. We are all failures, ultimately, in some form or another, and therefore beautifully united.

Which reminds me, I have a letter to mail.

_________________________________

My soul is dark - Oh! quickly string
The harp I yet can brook to hear,
And let thy gentle fingers fling
Its melting murmurs o'er mine ear.
If in this heart a hope be dear,
That sound shall charm it forth again:
If in these eyes there lurk a tear,
'Twill flow, and cease to burn my brain.

But bid the strain be wild and deep,
Nor let thy notes of joy be first:
I tell thee, minstrel, I must weep,
Or else this heavy heart will burst,
for it hath been by sorrow nursed,
And ached in sleepless silence long;
And now 'tis doomed to know the worst,
And break at once - or yield to song.

Lord Byron