I have begun a new job with responsibilities that frighten me, newfound authority that secretly thrills me, and the terrifying album of changes that always accompany these things. It's not as easy as I had hoped to keep my optimism and faith in myself. I feel at last as though something is really at risk and don't know if I'll measure up, don't know if I'll let myself down (let everyone down)...
I have been inches away from a musical legend, shaken the hand of a presidential candidate, and VIP'd my way around a political rally... all within four blocks of my place downtown. In the rain no less. No better way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.
I have partied like it's 1999. I have more digital photos than actual memories of certain nights and several encounters that would make my mother weep in shame.
I have strolled naked through the moonlight and accidentally flashed one of my best friends. Walking in the altogether down a staircase at five in the morning carries such risk, it seems.
I don't regret any of those nights.
I have laughed with best friends, created an entirely new encyclopedia of tongue-in-cheek inside jokes and nicknames, confided secrets and for once not left anything out. Hello world, this is me... I'm still afraid of these confessions, still somehow naturally tend toward the privacy and safety of keeping things locked within... but I said them anyway. I think I'm getting better.
I have said goodbye to two friends, both embarking on extended journeys toward lands far away. I don't think it has entirely become a reality in my mind just how long and far apart we really are now... I don't know what it will feel like when I do face the temporary finality, look at a map and gage the miles between all of us... what a wonderfully miraculous time we inhabit that we still remain connected, still communicate over land and sea, hill and dale, war and peace. It frightens me, the very thought, so much I don't understand...
Tonight...
I have laughed and danced and run through a rainstorm.
I have soberly chanted lyrics to songs I don't really know and brazenly sung those I do. The dance floors at the wee odd hours of the morning would not be the same without Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing,' now would they?
I have doubted myself.
I have been reunited with a man who regaled E and I with tales of seeing Frank Sinatra live in concert. He was wearing a hat. It was magnificent.
I have been somewhat forced to acknowledge that just because I want something doesn't mean it is destined for me...
... and by 'something' I of course mean 'someone.'
Ouch.
Humility amid raindrops and 80's music isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I'm sleeping alone. [Common knowledge: I hate that].
Kissing you was all I could think about.
I don't know where to go from here and am struggling to remember to let life find its own path, let my life take its course as it will. There are days of sunshine ahead, I keep telling myself... Long beautiful sun-kissed days toppling into my lap one after the other like a row of glowing dominoes, promising light and luck and joy and love.
I am loved... and lucky to be loved so unconditionally, so fully, so genuinely...
Something about tonight is so unsettling nevertheless and I still can't find the pulse-point of it all... so disorienting, so out of place... I feel like I'm walking into a silent test and don't have the answer key.
It's a slow fall down the rabbit hole this time.
I cannot let my thoughts veer toward the land of the woulda-coulda-shouldas. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot.
I need guidance... I must remember the power of the everyday miracle, the pleasure in mystery, the ability to wait, the patience to be still, the serenity to listen...
... to whatever may whisper in the night.
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Seeker of Truth
follow no path
all paths lead where
truth is here
e.e. cummings
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Did I actually reach out my arms
toward it, toward paradise falling, like
the fading of the dearest, wildest hope ---
the dark heart of the story that is all
the reason for its telling?
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To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.
Wendell Berry
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The Tree, the Lamp
The bird leaps beyond birdsong and is gone.
The red of the dress illuminates and scatters
Away, in the sky, the lading of old sorrow.
O fragile country,
Like the flame of a lamp carried out-of-doors,
Sleep being close in the world’s sap,
Simple the beating of the shared soul.
You too love the moment when the light of lamps
Fades and dreams into daylight.
You know it’s the darkness of your own heart healing,
The boat that reaches the shore and falls.
2 comments:
I hope this doesn't sound too...um...to much like me with no filter, but you said you "need guidance." I assert that the guidance is there, always, it only waits for you to heed it.
Wisdom is a burden, make no mistake.
And, most most most unfortunatly no quantitiy of rain drops and 80's music can lighten the load. You did not ask me for my opinon and therefore I feel somewhat intrusive offering it, but it is NEVER to late to begin to choose what you should, could and would choose. I repeat, it is never too late to begin. Putting off the imaginary sacrifice of such choices only delays the most spiritual rewards, which fall without prejudice like rain upon those courageous enough to simply begin to be who they could be.
There is no rose garden, but white roses painted red will never suffice for a soul as authentic as yours.
Your work and the risk of taking it on at a new level, you will prevail. You will shine, and with any luck you will be recognized for the jewel that you are, at work. If this does not happen or does not happen in the way you hope for, do not doubt for a moment that you are being lead like the needle of a compass by forces beyond our meager comprehension to your purpose. Agian, you do not need guidance, you should probably just heed the guidance that a loving universe offers you in abundance. (I'm a little "hmmmmm" at how lame this sounds to my self-conscious side as I read it back, but oh well.) Our lives depend upon each choice, each forbearence, everthing can and does turn on a dime.
This moment can be your dime and you can turn on me, always. Still Misisgn you!
P.S. What we "want" is rarely what we are destined for. What we are destined for is so far beyond our wanting that we don't see it until destiny has sneeked up on us and become simply what it so.
Your destiny will leave your wants in the dust. Because you are magical. Truly magical.
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