Friday, May 23, 2008

From the Mixed-Up Files of...

E: I just had a brilliant idea. I keep getting press releases for Bible Baptist's "PURE LOVE" preachy abstinence teen program this weekend. how awesome would it be to go in true abfab form and act like we thought it was a PURE ROMANCE sex toy party and start demanding vibrators and nipple tassels!
Sent at 8:06 AM on Friday May 2

me:
oh. my. god
THAT is AMAZING

E:
or prank call....maybe we'll make drew do it tonight

_____________________

I have the greatest friends in the world... we have our own particular brand of sexual anarchy, what can I tell you?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The State of the Economy

There might be some change on top of the dresser at the back, and we should check the washer and the dryer. Check under the floor mats of the car. The couch cushions. I have some books and CDs I could sell, and there are a couple of big bags of aluminum cans in the basement, only trouble is that there isn’t enough gas in the car to get around the block. I’m expecting a check sometime next week, which, if we are careful, will get us through to payday. In the meantime with your one-dollar rebate check and a few coins we have enough to walk to the store and buy a quart of milk and a newspaper. On second thought, forget the newspaper.

- Louis Jenkins

Brian, this is for you.

Just read something about people complaining about love not finding them, or the 'right person' not showing up... the very core of the Snow White 'Some Day My Prince Will Come' complex.

Interesting, because I was just speaking of the same thing with friends... this kind of passive role just... doesn't suit. There is nothing wrong with a little Cinderella fantasy, a desire to be swept off one's feet, whisked away on a white horse, etc. Fine. We all indulge in secret romantic daydreams, ain't not shame in admitting it... but there is a distinct difference between these harmless dreams and actually sitting still, waiting for the fantasy to come to life.

There is a world of exciting mistakes and romantic foibles waiting outside this little waiting-by-the-phone-with-a-cat-and-an-astrology/candle-collection cliche bubble. I remember reading somewhere some sort of quote attributed to Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (spelling?) in which he recalls sitting in some Hollywood bar listening to these two young girls bitch about how they'll never find the perfect guy and bemoaning the fact that all the Brad Pitts of the world just didn't seem to be appearing or interested or whatever. His response was my favorite... basically, he turned to the girls and said (I'm paraphrasing), "Well, if you want to land Brad Pitt, you have to look like Angelina Jolie! So until then, get off your arses, hit the gym, and quit complaining!"

Right on, sir. Enough with the entitlement, let's face the fact that a girl's gotta fight for what she wants. As in take an active stance. Make it happen. Carpe Diem. (Or carpe noctum, as the case may be, wink).

Anyway, obviously had a poem in mind (quelle surprise). Here it is, enjoy:


Any prince to any princess

August is coming
and the goose, I’m afraid,
is getting fat.
There have been
no golden eggs for some months now.
Straw has fallen well below market price
despite my frantic spinning
and the sedge is,
as you rightly point out,
withered.

I can’t imagine how the pea
got under your mattress. I apologize
humbly. The chambermaid has, of course,
been sacked. As for the frog footman,
I understand that, during my recent fact-finding tour of the Golden River,
despite your nightly unavailing efforts,
he remained obstinately
froggish.

I hope that the Three Wishes granted by the General Assembly
will go some way towards redressing
this unfortunate sequence of events.
The fall in output from the shoe-factory, for example:
no one could have foreseen the work-to-rule
by the National Union of Elves. Not to mention the fact
that the court has been fast asleep
for the last six and a half years.

The matter of the poisoned apple has been taken up
by the Board of Trade: I think I can assure you
the incident will not be
repeated.

I can quite understand, in the circumstances,
your reluctance to let down
your golden tresses. However
I feel I must point out
that the weather isn’t getting any better
and I already have a nasty chill
from waiting at the base
of the White Tower. You must see the absurdity of the situation.
Some of the courtiers are beginning to talk,
not to mention the humble villagers.
It’s been three weeks now, and not even
a word.

Princess,
a cold, black wind
howls through our empty palace.
Dead leaves litter the bedchamber;
the mirror on the wall hasn’t said a thing
since you left. I can only ask,
bearing all this in mind,
that you think again,

let down your hair,

reconsider.

- Adrian Henri

Bad Luck Betty

BLB's streak continues this week with a broken dishwasher. Matt and I were putzing around the kitchen yesterday after work, me cleaning, he cooking something... I start the dish cycle and immediately notice that waves of sudsy frothy water are pouring from the door hinge area. You know... pouring out like some ridiculous sitcom episode where the idiot babysitter puts the wrong soap in the laundry machine or something and Haley Mills saves the day or Alice appears with a shake of her head to scold one of the Brady kids.

Pretty awesome.

You know what is awesome? Clean sheets. I'm totally high on fabric softener fumes right now and it is fantastic. Best day of the week.

Stuck going to the dentist tomorrow morning. Normally I am really excited about dental cleanings, for several reasons. Love of oral hygience and a non-sexual crush on my dentist are the main two... plus I get to catch up on my domestic magazine reading, like Midwest Living or Rachel Ray or Good Housekeeping. Plus, I owe my entire knowledge of how-to-cook-salmon-in-the-dishwasher to my dentist as well. Always fascinating what he tells me. Pretty damn good time, especially if they are offering novacaine and/or happy gas. Best. High. Ever.

Anyway, my misfortune comes because I had mistakenly thought that the appointment was not until Thursday morning, thus allowing me tomrorrow to sleep in (desperately needed, esp. before race weekend). But no, I will but up-and-at-'em bright and early tomorrow for speedy trip home, then back for full closing shift until 10. Oy. Bring on the caffeine, vyvanse, and any number of showtunes for the drive to keep me peppy. I'm not kidding, I'ma goin' blast me some serious broadway all the way there and back. ONE. SINGULAR SENSATION. EVERY LITTLE MOVE SHE MAKES.

Expect full-blast Jesus Christ Superstar in the mix too.

It's going to be such a long day.

Watched The Ten tonight (while I ironed, believe it or not). Maybe I'm a horrible person for admitting this, but I really liked it. Yes, the humor was off-color and certainly lacking in the politically-correct department... but it was great. Although I admit it is probably intended for a much much much less sober audience... trust me, it would have been better under the influence of something. I also have a feeling that it gets funnier with repetition. The last segment was my absolute favorite... it involved a gaggle of naked men getting together on the sabbath in secret to celebrate life, nudity, maleness... and Roberta Flack. YES. That is my kind of religious experience.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Nocturne

People underestimate the beauty of a lullaby.

I'm listening to a recording of my best friend, years since it was originally recorded, and it is the most lovely sound I could imagine for the dark hours of night. I'll admit, it was better when she would sing to me in person, nights when we couldn't sleep in college, long midnights when we were the only two people awake in a house of 140 girls, months when we were absolute disasters and battling demons we couldn't identify and certainly never understood (always worse at night).

It's easy to forget the talents of friends, glance hurriedly over these unique gifts that often drew one to them in the first place.

Oh it sounds so beautiful to listen to her now.

I love when people sing to me. Is there anything more wonderful?

[Today was a good day.]

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream

I woke up smiling, content and refreshed from a dream that seemed to resolve all my admittedly insignificant dilemmas that just won't seem to leave my thoughts. One of those nights filled with images of people I love... everyone came together and 'met' for the first time, I actually remember introducing different circles of friends/family/lovers at long last... even my family was involved, the lake, my childhood bed covers, holding someone's hand and sharing a pillow at the cottage.

I don't need Carl Jung to tell me that it was textbook fantasy sequence, that I mentally sculpted a perfect reunion/romance/Hallmark scenario, everything my life in reality is not at the moment.

God, it was a great dream though. A great dream.
_________________________________________

A Birthday

Something continues and I don’t know what to call it
though the language is full of suggestions
in the way of language
but they are all anonymous
and it’s almost your birthday music next to my bones

these nights we hear the horses running in the rain
it stops and the moon comes out and we are still here
the leaks in the roof go on dripping after the rain has passed
smell of ginger flowers slips through the dark house
down near the sea the slow heart of the beacon flashes

the long way to you is still tied to me but it brought me to you
I keep wanting to give you what is already yours
it is the morning of the mornings together
breath of summer oh my found one
the sleep in the same current and each waking to you

when I open my eyes you are what I wanted to see

- W.S. Merwin

[a favorite: hung next to my bed]

In Retrospect...

In the past two weeks...

I have begun a new job with responsibilities that frighten me, newfound authority that secretly thrills me, and the terrifying album of changes that always accompany these things. It's not as easy as I had hoped to keep my optimism and faith in myself. I feel at last as though something is really at risk and don't know if I'll measure up, don't know if I'll let myself down (let everyone down)...

I have been inches away from a musical legend, shaken the hand of a presidential candidate, and VIP'd my way around a political rally... all within four blocks of my place downtown. In the rain no less. No better way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

I have partied like it's 1999. I have more digital photos than actual memories of certain nights and several encounters that would make my mother weep in shame.

I have strolled naked through the moonlight and accidentally flashed one of my best friends. Walking in the altogether down a staircase at five in the morning carries such risk, it seems.

I don't regret any of those nights.

I have laughed with best friends, created an entirely new encyclopedia of tongue-in-cheek inside jokes and nicknames, confided secrets and for once not left anything out. Hello world, this is me... I'm still afraid of these confessions, still somehow naturally tend toward the privacy and safety of keeping things locked within... but I said them anyway. I think I'm getting better.

I have said goodbye to two friends, both embarking on extended journeys toward lands far away. I don't think it has entirely become a reality in my mind just how long and far apart we really are now... I don't know what it will feel like when I do face the temporary finality, look at a map and gage the miles between all of us... what a wonderfully miraculous time we inhabit that we still remain connected, still communicate over land and sea, hill and dale, war and peace. It frightens me, the very thought, so much I don't understand...

Tonight...

I have laughed and danced and run through a rainstorm.

I have soberly chanted lyrics to songs I don't really know and brazenly sung those I do. The dance floors at the wee odd hours of the morning would not be the same without Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing,' now would they?

I have doubted myself.

I have been reunited with a man who regaled E and I with tales of seeing Frank Sinatra live in concert. He was wearing a hat. It was magnificent.

I have been somewhat forced to acknowledge that just because I want something doesn't mean it is destined for me...

... and by 'something' I of course mean 'someone.'

Ouch.

Humility amid raindrops and 80's music isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I'm sleeping alone. [Common knowledge: I hate that].

Kissing you was all I could think about.

I don't know where to go from here and am struggling to remember to let life find its own path, let my life take its course as it will. There are days of sunshine ahead, I keep telling myself... Long beautiful sun-kissed days toppling into my lap one after the other like a row of glowing dominoes, promising light and luck and joy and love.

I am loved... and lucky to be loved so unconditionally, so fully, so genuinely...

Something about tonight is so unsettling nevertheless and I still can't find the pulse-point of it all... so disorienting, so out of place... I feel like I'm walking into a silent test and don't have the answer key.

It's a slow fall down the rabbit hole this time.

I cannot let my thoughts veer toward the land of the woulda-coulda-shouldas. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot.

I need guidance... I must remember the power of the everyday miracle, the pleasure in mystery, the ability to wait, the patience to be still, the serenity to listen...

... to whatever may whisper in the night.

_________________________________________

Seeker of Truth

seeker of truth

follow no path
all paths lead where
truth is here

e.e. cummings

___________________________________________

Did I actually reach out my arms
toward it, toward paradise falling, like
the fading of the dearest, wildest hope ---
the dark heart of the story that is all
the reason for its telling?

Mary Oliver

____________________________________________

To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.


Wendell Berry

_____________________________________________

The Tree, the Lamp

The tree grows old in the tree, it is summer.
The bird leaps beyond birdsong and is gone.
The red of the dress illuminates and scatters
Away, in the sky, the lading of old sorrow.

O fragile country,
Like the flame of a lamp carried out-of-doors,
Sleep being close in the world’s sap,
Simple the beating of the shared soul.

You too love the moment when the light of lamps
Fades and dreams into daylight.
You know it’s the darkness of your own heart healing,
The boat that reaches the shore and falls.

Yves Bonnefoy

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

A Song For You

So today I wrote a song for you
Cause a day can get so long
And I know it's hard to make it through
When you say there's something wrong

So I'm trying to put it right
Cause I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tight
And I don't know even where to start

Maybe that's a start

Cause you know it's a simple game
That you play filling up your head with rain
And you know you are hiding from your pain
In the way, in the way you say your name

And I see you
Hiding your face in your hands
Flying so you won't land
You think no one understands
No one understands

So you hunch your shoulders and you shake your head
And your throat is aching but you swear
No one hurts you, nothing could be sad
Anyway you're not here enough to care

And you're so tired you don't sleep at night
As your heart is trying to mend
You keep it quiet but you think you might
Disappear before the end

And it's strange that you cannot find
Any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do, all you wanna do is cry

Well maybe you should cry

And I see you hiding your face in your hands
Talking 'bout far-away lands
You think no one understands
Listen to my hands

And all of this life
Moves around you
For all that you claim
You're standing still
You are moving too
You are moving too
You are moving too
I will move you

- Alexi Murdoch

Monday, May 05, 2008

She never was a fighter
until he lay beside her,
and gently whispered,
'hope.'

Foy Vance