It descends.

Spent the afternoon trying to remember that feeling so lost is something to appreciate, savor even. Part of the journey. A chance to awaken to a myriad of opportunities and chance gifts from the unknown that is life.

Trying, at least, to remember that, to believe it. It's something.

Just returned home from a screening of The Other Boleyn Girl. Beautifully crafted and visually stunning... but let me just say it is not what I would recommend for viewing on a day already darkened by personal shadows and doubts. My God so dark, so vividly and achingly dark. I crave the sleep that seems to come only with the aid of medication, unmarred by dream or thought or any such consciousness. The kind that seems to come after several glasses (bottles?) of deep crimson wine, that hollow detachment and deceiving liberation from reality.

It has been a day of clouds, dark thoughts. That strange and unfamiliar urge to let go of tears and fling myself head-on into a cathartic emotional breakdown. Not by nature a cryer, emotional certainly but only internally. That physical release that is so often characterized as feminine is just not... me. Nobody seems to think this is healthy but alas that is another issue for another day... or another therapy session at least.

So much is collecting in my mind, weighing my thoughts like lead anchors. So much has happened of late and I cannot seem to process anything. I don't know what to do, how to respond, where to go, what to consider.

I'm so overwhelmed. So... paralyzed.

I just hope that each day that I get out of bed and carry myself on through my daily pattern and routine will be one day closer to aligning myself with the rainfall of change that seems constantly to drizzle around me.

The balance of my life depends upon my ability to interpret my world, contemplate and analyze and categorize and solve and understand. Without that... I'm just floating aimlessly along an unidentified tide.

It's difficult these days. I don't understand myself, don't recognize the revolving masks of those I love, don't know up from down. And it hurts, I'm feeling the hurt so intensely for the first time in months, really feeling those emotions I have for so long buried and cast out, denied, distracted myself from in so many different ways.

I am a happy person, a joyful soul, according to my healer. And I believed her then as she spoke, heard those words fall as truth, and I believe her still. I am a happy person. I do think I'm meant to reflect the glory and light of life, destined to illuminate, radiate, emit my own personal incandescence somehow.

But not today.

Not today.

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me