"In any relationship there are decisive moments, often apparently inconsequential but which in reality determine the future, just as a rock or a fallen tree up in the mountains may determine the course of a stream."
Robert Hellenga,
The Sixteen Pleasures
Isn't it true, though? Who cannot (with the clarity afforded only by hindsight) honestly pinpoint just such a moment, some single frame in the film of one's life, upon which ultimately pivoted the descent (or, in positive light, ascent) of a relationship?
Is this like a Hollywood flashback fantasy? No, I think not. There is no billowing smoky haze to encircle the event in memory nor can anything be truly proven... but these 'turning points' in life, while subjective, are everywhere among us. Historically, it is so... The Battle of the Bulge, the landing of the Mayflower, a shot fired from the grassy knoll... these (to borrow a cliche phrase) changed the course of history. The danger in indulging in these thoughts is potent, of course. The 'what ifs' are healthy only to a minimal extent.
What if... I pursued that original dream.
What if... I had chosen a different school.
What if... I'd stayed at home that particular evening.
What if... I hadn't struck up that conversation to begin with.
What if... I had taken that other job.
What if... I'd actually listened to that advice.
It's gotten me thinking. I suppose the best solution is the mentality of 'carpe diem,' the effort to value each coming day and its possibilities, opportunities to seek out and chase like mythical pots of gold. Perhaps there is no treasure at rainbow's end... but is there anything more exhilerating or fulfilling than running madly toward the horizon and gleefully dancing along the way?
Regardless, it's time for me to start waltzing my way towards that unknown again, isn't it?
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The life and times of Allison Michelle, lover of all things beautiful and ridiculous.
3 comments:
My problem is I only seem to recognize these moments in hindsight...
There is one moment that I'll share. I'll spare you all the details, but it was so clear to me at the exact moment it happened too, and it did pivot the descent of a relationship.
I decided, after watching the movie Jerry McGuire, that I needed to break up with my girlfriend at the time, whom I'd been with for a year, who had moved 500 miles to live with me and go to school near me.
The hindsight part for me came in realizing that my actions were quite harsh. But someway, somehow, Jerry McGuire provided the striking clarity I needed to know what I didn't want and what I needed in a relationship.
Good thing the fallen rocks and trees cannot examine the so called consequences of their having fallen in the ways that we do. What if...what if... what if there is no what if outside our own internal conversation. I will say that this begs the urgency of taking action. Just before my current lover presented himself, I had embarked on several "come to jesus" conversations with men whom I thought had been the great loves of my life. I didn't know that I was about to burn down the outdated romantic scaffolding that had, since I was 15 years old, defined me. I invited a married man to leave his wife and infant son to be with me, for a second time...finally, I let him go, never having given in to the impulse to be his other woman. I told my ex he could love me or leave me alone, but friendship was out of the question. Only by fearlessly exfoliating those relationships was I clear enough to accept the love I have now.
In short, it is all unfolding exactly as it should.
If it were to be another way, then it would be another way. This is the way it should be. For while the stream may have to wind its way round stone and trunk and everything else, it will, without fail, flow down hill.
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