Chock Full

Strange week has just passed. Bout with influenza occupied most of the early days, leaving me bedridden, shivering and overcome with that dull ache and hum of illness. Everyone is falling prey it seems. Am dosed up on zinc/sudafed/Airborne/vitamins/ambien... the place is feeling like some sort of immunity defense bunker. and lysol, god the lysol. I am such a predictable creature when it comes to these things: disinfect, clean, bleach, purge, scrub, etc.

Have come to realize the extent of my own obsessive cleanliness, appreciating it only as conversation has allowed me reflected glimpse of myself. (Example: "Allison, what did you do today?" "Oh, I spent 4 hours disinfecting my walls.") Not something many find the ability to comprehend or even sympathize. Imagine.

Extensive four-day stretch of work shifts. Have emerged in encouragingly sunny frame of mind.

Spent most of Friday evening pondering the wonders of America, esp. as compared with a)Europe and b)everybody else. God, felt like such a snob. Was trying to make a decent "first impression" and wound up (in my opinion) painting myself as little more than an overly verbal lush/floozie/flake/eccentric. Hrumph. Was hoping to appear "charming" or at least give that impression of having some sort of "je ne sais quoi." Instead relayed endless stories about my social escapades these past few years, all of which could certainly begin, "so I was drunk this one time..." Puts the "college years" in a certain perspective, I suppose, but then again I have adopted a new philosophy on life, courtesy of certain unnamed Zen lectures as told to me by an amazing co-worker.

NOBODY LIKES YOU ANYWAY, SO JUST BE YOURSELF.

That needs to be embroidered on a pillow if you want my humble opinion. I have embraced it as a new mantra for this phase in my life and plan to allow it to trickle into all facets of my relationships. Honesty, as anyone could guess, is of vital importance to me... and yet I sense in myself a degree of insincerity incongruous with my own values. No thank you. Be off. Be gone. Henceforth I shall dedicate much more effort to remain more parallelled with truth, love, life, spirituality, joy.

Last minute decision to join friends to see The Last Kiss tonight. Fantastic. Was honestly blown away by Blythe Danner. God the woman was nuanced, incredibly in tune. And Zach Braff. Mmmm. Man does have good taste, doesn't he? Has evolved into some miraculous sort of King Midas, gold in his wake. I love it. Love to come home from a film with the taste of it still lingering, the weight of words ringing. Thought-provoking, that would be the generic way to phrase it. Mmmm.